Into and Out of the Fire.

So, here I am in 2021. I haven't posted anything since March of 2015. Why? Well, for one, I decided nobody was really paying attention and grew discouraged. I also moved out of Amarillo, TX to Spokane, WA in January of 2016. I spent 4 1/2 years in Spokane and it was a nightmare. 

NIGHT...MARE. 

In my time in Washington I dealt people who were absolute narcissistic abusers who, it seemed, had only one mission in life: to destroy anyone who wouldn't agree with them 100% of the time. I was metaphorically stabbed in the back by people who professed their friendship to me more times than I could count in those 4 1/2 long years. The hard part, was these people were pastors, servants, and professed Christians in the church I was serving in. These were the people who, at least on the surface, pretended to care about people. We also had to deal with horrible people outside of the church who were certifiably insane and very vindictive. 

If you've never had to deal with a truly narcissistic and vindictive person who pretends to be a Christian count yourself lucky. They are evil. Not just broken people who need Jesus, but pure evil. They are what Jude refers to as "waterless springs." I now understand very clearly what the Apostle Paul meant when he said "I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock;" We have a real enemy who only seeks to steal, kill, and destroy and he will use fake /deceived Christians to do immense damage to people personally. 

When I say personally, I mean it. I do not mean a simple philosophical disagreement, or unfair criticism. I mean an outright assault on the foundations of your identity, self-worth, and faith. If you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, you know what I am talking about. I have had to rethink, recommit, and find my faith again after everything that happened from 2016-2020. Things were so bad that I actually welcomed and benefitted from the Covid lockdown in 2020 because it allowed me time away from toxic people before God graciously heard my cry and allowed us to leave Spokane, WA.

So now I find myself writing on this blog again after a 5+ year absence. Why? I think catharsis and inspiration. The emotional toll was real. The scars are real. The deep personal changes are very real and I am still navigating exactly what those are. I know I am not the same person I was. Something has fundamentally shifted inside me. Something died. A part of me died and I trust God enough to say it probably needed to die, but this kind of death always has a steep personal price. 

I'm not so much trying to put the pieces back together as I am trying to figure out what is still there, and to identify the new things God is doing. I know those pieces will not go back together, nor do I want them to. I also know I cannot live fruitfully for Jesus without finding the new life that always emerges from experiences like this. 

I guess in the coming weeks and months I am going to write more about what God is doing in my own heart as a way of coming out of such a difficult season as faithfully as I can. One thing I know, God was with me when I went in and He is still there as I come out of that season. He is faithful and I am grateful for that, but I also learned a lot more about fearing God. But, that is a discussion for later.