Reuben McGilvary: My Mentor, My Friend, My Example.

 

 

There are times that words fall tragically short of expressing what the heart is feeling but to say nothing is a much greater tragedy. The book of Proverbs teaches us that “better is open rebuke, than hidden love.” So, this is my attempt to put into words what Reuben McGilvary meant to me.

 

Reuben entered my life when I was 10 years old. My world had just turned upside down through my parents’ divorce and I was pulled away from everything I knew. I moved to a new city with mom and started a new life that I neither understood nor wanted. Yet, in that time I was introduced to Reuben and he immediately started investing in me. He wasn’t loud or demanding, nor was he pushy or insistent that I accept him. He navigated an angry 10 year old very wisely and simply tried to be my friend, assuring me that his place in my life was no threat. I wasn’t sure what I thought about him at first and probably stayed pretty distant, that is until I came home from school one day and he did something that spoke to my soul. He turned on Stevie Ray Vaughn and cranked the volume (something that only happened when mom wasn’t home.) I had never heard this blues legend but was instantly hooked for two reasons: 1. This was some cool music and if you know me, music is deep in my soul and heart, and 2. He turned it up really loud which meant he didn’t live with the same rules my mom lived by. So, that was our first real connection. It would only grow from there.

 

Over the next several years I would go to middle school and high school and would spend many evenings and weekends with Reuben. During many of these years mom went to night school and so it was just me and Rubo (one of two nicknames I had for him, the other was Rubedog) for many evenings. Now, if you knew Reuben he was never dramatic or grandiose about anything. He was quiet, steady and consistent. And over the years, that’s what I learned. I saw him work on his goals quietly and consistently. I learned from him that you pursue excellence in whatever you do as a matter of course, not a one-time effort. It wasn’t a lesson I wanted to learn and even resisted it at times. There were many times I cut corners mowing the lawn, picking up apricots from our God awful, stupid, no good, apricot tree that we had, or in school work. Yet, instead of lecturing or guilting, Reuben always presented the case logically as to why cutting corners failed to achieve the goal at hand and then sent me back to finish the job. While I was not happy about such lessons at the time, they would have a profound impact on me later in life. What Reuben did by consistent example and simple explanations did more for me than any punishment or lecture or guilting or shaming would have ever done.

 

One of the biggest ways Reuben helped me when I was young was teaching me how to control my temper. If you know my parents, you know that I come by it honestly. Both of them have shown proclivities towards blowing their top given the right stressors. Reuben, however, was more in control emotionally than anyone I had ever met. He was very intentional about helping me see the value in expressing myself before it got to the point of explosion. He would start picking on me (on purpose) until I was aggravated and then say “Are you mad?” and eventually I would emotionally respond “Yes!” and he would calmly say, “Why? Tell me about it. What made you mad?” At this point I knew he was jacking with me and I would just say “You did, you jerk.” Then he would say something like “wasn’t it easier to just tell me I’m being a jerk than to get mad and yell about it?” After a couple of years of this back and forth, I really did learn the lesson and even today when those trying moments come, I can hear Reuben’s influence in my words and in how I approach such situations.

 

Another major influence he had was when he earned his doctorate. I remember him working so consistently on that thing. Weekend after weekend, evening after evening for years. He just chipped away at it and never let up. I remember thinking at the time that the amount of time and effort he was putting into it was crazy. But, he just kept going after it until he finished it. What really caught my attention though, is that he was able to work that hard and consistently on his doctorate, but never allowed it to affect his relationships. He was never in a bad mood or grouchy, or short with me during that entire season. If I needed his time, he had it. He worked that hard at something but kept his priorities in line. I know he got tired, frustrated, and even wanted to quit, but it never showed in how he treated those around him. When we went to his graduation, I was genuinely proud of him for all the hard work he had put in and honestly, that trip planted a seed in my heart that has helped me become who I am today.

 

At about the same time Reuben was finishing his doctorate I was finding my faith in Jesus Christ. I had spiritual experience at a youth camp and had found the purpose for my life. This brought about a pretty radical change in me and came as a shock to a lot of people. Some doubted it, some asked what they did to me at that camp, and then there was Reuben. When I was licensed for vocational ministry my church had a ceremony and had everyone sign the back of the license as a way to commemorate the event. Reuben’s words were to the point and, again, have stuck with me and guided me on my ministry journey. He wrote one simple line: “Always seek and present the truth.” In a world that has far too many religious charlatans, Reuben’s words rung out as both a challenge and a guardrail. I don’t remember what anyone else wrote on that license. I can take it out and look at it any time I want and every time I do my eyes find that one line, “Always seek and present the truth.” Reuben believed in what I was trying to do, but he also knew the challenges involved in such a pursuit and shot an arrow directly where it needed to go.

 

Professionally, Reuben always supported my career plans in ministry. He never once questioned my sincerity or the wisdom of choosing such a vocation. As he always did, he simply supported it, and then challenged me to be as prepared and knowledgeable as I could be. Whenever he could, he would be right beside me supporting me. I remember when I was preaching in view of a call at a church in Amarillo he and mom were right there. After I preached, the congregation would vote so they asked Jana and I to go to a separate room so they could have a short discussion time and a public vote. To my surprise, as Jana and I were walking out to go to the room, Reuben got up and went with us. I will never forget that moment. A simple act of support as he sat with Jana and me in the room while the church voted. No big speeches, no platitudes, just Reuben sitting right there with Jana and me in a small room as we waited to find out if I got the job. I did and Reuben and mom became very active in the church and a few years later, I would baptize my mom in that church.  

 

Years would go by and I would start my own family. This is where Reuben would once again prove to be a truly remarkable man. As good as he was with me, he was even better with my children. He was the best Papa I could have ever asked for my kids. He invested in them, loved them, showed up for them, and treated them as his own blood. My mom and Reuben have been a staple in our children’s lives, even when we moved several states away. Zoom calls, visits, phone calls, they always made the right kind of time for their grandkids. At this point, this is generational impact. Reuben greatly influenced how I parent my own children and for many years, he was also there influencing them in his usual ways. Sharing wisdom, helping them build things, investing in their education, and helping them develop a healthy work ethic. Reuben simply never quit being himself. When the baton passed from one generation to the next, he didn’t miss a beat. In fact, he took what he had learned the first time around and became an even better grandpa because of his experiences.

 

Reuben’s influence is 100% responsible for me earning my own Doctor of Ministry. When I started college, I told Reuben and mom it was with the goal of earning a doctorate. I had told Reuben that one day “Dr. Rubo was going to shake the hand of Dr. Roger.” It is entirely because of his influence that I learned to set goals like that and see them through. It took longer than I wanted it to, but I never even thought about quitting. Though life threw some serious challenges at me while I was working on the doctorate, I never allowed myself to think about quitting. I remembered Reuben chipping away at his degree weekend after weekend and I took the same approach. When I graduated Reuben congratulated me and told me how proud he was of me. I was truly honored. I told him I was only there because of his influence and support.

 

As adults, Reuben and I truly became friends. As I grew in my knowledge of the Bible and became a seasoned pro at preaching and teaching scripture, Reuben felt comfortable coming to me for spiritual advice and with Biblical questions. Again, there was never an ego with Reuben. As he saw my knowledge and expertise in my field eclipse his own he simply asked questions and respected my words. It was during this transition that we turned a new corner (one I did not expect) and became closer friends than we had been before. He started to talk to me about personal and professional struggles as friends do. I would do the same. Over many years, I can easily say that Reuben Mcgilvary was one of my best friends. He wasn’t just a stepdad, he was a true friend. He was one of the few people in my life that I think truly got me. I know I am a little odd to most people and I am not ever the person anyone thinks of when they are thinking about who they want to hang out with. But Reuben always seemed to understand a part of me that nobody else did. Not only did he understand it, but he also fully accepted it. He never asked me to be someone I wasn’t. He never made me feel bad about myself for being me. He never criticized me at a personal level. I enjoyed his company, and he enjoyed mine. He will always be one of the best friends I could ever have. In a world where “friends” profess their loyalty one minute and stab you in the back the next, Reuben was a rock. He never wavered.

 

We could always find something to talk about and if you knew Reuben well enough, you would get to see the goofy side of him that only made rare appearances. As serious and straight forward as he usually was, there was a goofy side to Reuben that not everyone got to see. I loved that side of him. It was that goofy side that gave the serious side more weight. Nothing was an act. He loved with all his heart. He worked with all his might. And he pressed forward with all his will. Nothing was ever done halfway and for that I am eternally indebted to Reuben. He has been my mentor, my friend, and my example in life. I am beyond blessed to have had him in my life for the last 38 years. He was the dad I didn’t know I needed. He was the blessing God sent into my life when I needed him most and he has been one of God’s greatest blessings to me and my family over the years. It is truly daunting thinking about spending the rest of my life without him. I am going to miss him terribly. I have cried so many times writing this I have lost count, but, when I don’t know exactly what to do, I will do what he taught me and modeled for me over the years. Show up, be consistent, commit to excellence, be goofy with those you love, and never quit.

 

Thank you, Reuben, for all the years. Thank you for everything. I love you and look forward to seeing you again in the Kingdom of our Father in Heaven.